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there was a time that i felt so left out and unloved.. i missed the feeling of having somebody to hug, to look forward to seeing, to talk on the phone.. all the small things that a guy would do to his girl…

i remember we were once three couples at the same time.. then we all broke up almost at the same time. karla and yves were able to work things out. gino and pammy.. um.. they tried to work it out. unfortunately, obssession killed the relationship. me? i just dated. so gino and i remained single and loveless. gino, karla and i would hang out at least once a week.. catch up on what’s going on with our lives.. until gino fell in love with two girls at the same time!ühaha then all of a sudden, i felt that i’m being left out.. karla’s in love.. gino found somebody(2 somebody’s pala!haha).. it’s not that i’m rushing to find somebody for me.. it’s just that i got used to the three of us doing things together. but there was something else.. i guess it’s more like it feels good to be single at the same time with a friend. karla and i were talking about this over coffee at figaro. "how come everybody’s getting married?" i felt like we were at the age of getting married and having kids already. damn! how come everybody’s getting married early? to be honest, i don’t want to get married and have kids. maybe i’m just saying this.. or maybe marriage hasn’t crossed my mind yet because i havent found a quality guy.. my quality guy.

…then on a thursday at 4am, on my 5th mug of coffee, i realized something.. i don’t need to have somebody or be in love with somebody to have all these small sweet things happen to me. i have my friends who make me feel loved. i am single as of the moment and i am happy that way. i love my life right now! i realized that being in a commitment with somebody is too stressful for me. ok ok.. m saying this because i havent found my quality guy yet.. and until he comes along, i’ll just continue on having fun and improving myself.  and if he never comes, at least i know i made myself happy and that i made really good friends.

so i just got back from galera.. again! nothing new really happened.. i met tito frankie, tita carol and my cousin JC.. it was nice. JC celebrated her 18th birthday at the beach with all her other cousins from her mom’s side. i was really bored!haha

newei, i didnt do much there.. i bathed under the sun too much that it gave me a freaking headache! and i also got sun burned! my skin’s still itchy from too much sun! oh well.. at least i got to play golf again:) i definitely improved my swing! and i couldn’t stop pigging out! OMG!!! i really have to go back on my diet! hmm.. i need some motivation to lose weight.. ooops! my manager’s going to get mad at me if i show up like this! argh!

it’s Karla’s birthday today.. we had this surprise thing for her last nyt.. she seemed happy naman:)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY KARLA!!! MWAAAH!

we had this sagala thing for the Department of Tourism yesterday.. i wore this tube corsette gown with this really big and heavy skirt! and i wore my 5-inch heel pink stilletos! imagine the pain i was suffering from!haha so anyway, mark (again!) did my hair and make up. i love that guy.. he’s fun to be with and he makes me look gorgeous!haha

i had to ditch a charity event for the sagala.. of course i’d choose tito k over anything else being offered to me! my friend asked me to hire these girls for ushering.. and so i did. i told him to give the gc’s to them as soon as the work was done.. but NO! he ditched them and told me that they could get their gc’s at LAZZO. heller! not everybody lives in QC.. stupid a**hole! or they could get it from me.. which means that i’d have to go through all the trouble of going to that very unwelcoming user-friendly place and go out again to give the gc’s to each of the girls! i am so not going back to that place! i mean, i did my end of the deal (WITHOUT CHARGE!!!) and they’re going to bail out on me? what kind of people are these guys? and they did not apologize for bailing out, instead, they were the ones who sounded mad! ARGH!!! they aint gona be waltzing around in bliss anytime soon.. told you not to mess with me!

right after the sagala, i met up with karla and gino at grilla then we went to mark isidro’s birthday party at Greenhills. then we saw kathy and carla there. it was a pool party and there was this girl that looked cute.. got to talk to her for a bit.. she was ok.. hoped gino could get to hook up with her sometime soon.

Jaipur last night was pretty crowded! same old people, same old songs.. still the same good old crowd. got to talk to some people.. fill in the blanks on what happened.. revenge is sweet.

it’s funny how i’d say that i miss home every time.. but the only time that i did not get home-sick at all was when i was at galera.. could it be possible that my "home" has always been there though i’ve just been there twice this year?

well.. yah! my grandad stays there.. is my Taylor blood stronger than the Beltran blood? or am i just fed up with my life in manila?

there’s just something about the place that makes me want to stay there for good.. hmm.. should i stay there for good?

what do you think?

it’s funny how people see me as an easy-to-get person…

well.. i guess not!haha

fyi! i don’t easily fall in love.. and i don’t sleep around..

i find it funny that we get to have flings when i do have feelings for them.. it’s also funny when my friends tell me that i’m not supposed to have feelings for them for a fling is just a fling.. well, guess what? that aint me! i choose to be with them coz i do feel something for them.. if they take it for granted, i guess it’s time for me to move on..

for the record, i really did love him.. it’s just that he never knew about it.. and i guess i still do and that he will never get to know about my feelings for him.. (m such a martyr! will somebody please pull me out of this?)

life is simple.. we just make it really complicated!

i can’t believe i’m back in manila.. it’s my third day here and i myt leave again tom. oh well.. ciara’s gone.. she had her last service this morning. as soon as i got back last monday, i went to her wake and saw my friends. during dinner, i could not forget what bebs told me:

i never really got to talk to cia after, you know.. coz i always thought that it was gona be just like rica or mike or gino: there’s always next term to talk and be friends again…

admittedly, i wasn’t able to talk to ciara since before the pageant.. rockwell tolerance never really got together as a whole again for such a long time. and her death made it possible for us to find time for each other. i guess we were all thinking that there would always be next time where we could hang out again..

until when will we take advantage of our time to spend it with each others company? how come we always have to lose something to know that it’s important to us?

oh well.. we do take a lot of things for granted

ciara, thank you for reminding us that we have to show the people around us that we love them while they’re still alive. and thank you for teaching me to fight for something you love and not give up.  you will surely be missed..